And i hate it because i know i’m not better.
And i hate it because it makes me feel like i have to prove that i’m ill
which’ll ultimitley make me worse.

my mind is a cruel thing.

calories consumed: 994kcal
calories burned: 3578kcals

today = -2634kcals

iif to burn 1lbs you need to burn 500kcals, i will have shifted 5lbs today..

never worked so hard in my life

so basically.. my mums collegue moved in with her because my mum had a spare room..  shes called lisa and is about 27 and has anorexia too.. she’s in recover. i’ve got to know her over the last few weeks, sshe is lovely, she’s just gotten me a job but she does not know about my ed..

Last week, she went to her out-patient weigh-in and got told she’s out of the anorexia bracket. - since then she’s relapsed.

anyway, i was telling my mum that today i started cbt for depression and anxiety and lisa overheard and says that she does too bu for her ed.. lisa said she was going to pick up a coffee for my mum and asked if i wanted to go too.. so i did.. we were talking in the car about the cbt and that it’ll be good if i started the group therapy. when we got out the car, she asked me if it was for an eating disorder, i said no.. she then said ‘No, i didn’t think so’………

Thanks- she knows anorexics come in all shapes and sizes- she said so herself.. But apparently i’m too fat to even fit into that bracket..

I was crying on the way home… this is fucking hard though, this shit has a hold on me and i don’t have anything to show for it.. i think i keep letting ana control my mind too much, the only control i am going to let her have is over my body. So this ends now. why am i making this shit harder than it needs to be. just stop eating now and the fat will go.simple. ana should take care of the rest of it.

and they have this segment on anorexia and they kept refering to it as a disease, as it is..
My parents and I never told him about my anorexia.

But he just kept repeating ’ Anorexia is not a disease, it’s a choice’
’ Anorexia is not a disease, it’s a choice’
’ Anorexia is not a disease, it’s a choice’
’ Anorexia is not a disease, it’s a choice’

I actually nearly beat his ignorant ass into a fucking pulp..
I tried to explain to him how it’s a mentality, not just a willynilly decision to lose ‘a couple of pounds’..

He just kept saying, they should just eat„ eat one cheeseburger then another, then another

So i gave one of my examples but explained it as a ‘friend’ of mine.. i said something along the lines of.. ’ i had a friend that had an ed and she knew she had to eat otherwise she was going to die, so she had a piece of toast, but because anorexia is mental torment- not just the will to lose weight, she then tried to kill herself, because of a slice of toast..’

He just walked off and said that i was stupid and anorexia is choice again

I’m in a hole, and i can’t get out. i need to talk but i don’t know what to say.
The only fucking responsibility i have is to walk the dog but i’m so pathetically panicky that i can do that..

urghh
words of wisdom anyone

Broke down on my run.. Was thinking about how i’ve always been the ‘victim’.. i’ve never thought of myself as a victim before so it hit me hard.. now i’m just in a state of stasis.. everthing good is cancelled out by the pain.. i’m in the frame of mind where i see no way out.. i need people… REAL people around me.. not my fucking family anymore… i know i shouldn’t take my family forgranted but they keep me in a box, they treat me like an infant, they treat me like i’m stupid. I need out of this box fishbowl.. everything will keep replaying until i get out

9 fucking pounds..

I’ve been working my ass off alllll day sorting out my brothers room and just occasionally snacking on cucumber sticks..

feell so bad-assss, which means by tomorrow morning it’ll be even lower (touch wood)

i thinking they’re doing it because they think it’ll help me get better..


I’m so excited.. it’s a rescued border collie puppy, i haven’t seen it but it’ll look like this..

Laxatives make you gain weight..  instead of digesting the food and burning the energy at a steady rate, they make you digest food quicker, your body can’t use up all of the energy/calores that quick, so it stores them as fat.. Also using them to much enflames your stomach and intestines and makes you look pregnant.

not a good route to go.. just stay away from them

She said it looks like i’ve lost alot of weight. and that she hopes that i’m staying healthy.

nyahnnn

just tried to purge, but it didn’t happen. I don’t know why.

I’m going to have to work it off.